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05 October 2006 @ 03:22 am
Topic #146: Hidden

No one noticed me in the scramble to get out the front doors of the school. Not even Brooke. I lay smashed against a row of lockers, broken glass on the floor around me as terrified teenagers ran past me. As quickly as it started, it ended and I was alone in the hallway. I looked down at my leg and saw the large gash that cut through my jeans. Everything seemed surreal as I stared down at my blood on the white tile floor. Biting my lip, I pushed my hands down on the floor, and tried to stand. Blinding pain shot through my entire body and the edges of my vision turned white. I slipped and fell back against the lockers hard.

I wanted to cry and scream for help... but I had no idea where the shooter was, and I was terrified he would come back. Clenching my fists and sucking in a deep breath, I began pushing myself along the floor towards the library doors. They didn't lock, and I would have no way of protecting myself if he did come back. But I was starting to think I didn't have any other options. I couldn't stay here in the hallway, I had to hide.

Tears welling up in my eyes, I slowly pushed myself into the library. I collapsed against one of the stacks and watched the blood staining my jeans. In all my life, I never felt as alone as I did there. I'm not sure how long I sat there, repeating song lyrics to calm myself down, before I heard the doors open softly. I stopped breathing as the footfalls made their way through the rows of books toward where I was hidden. I thought about my mom and Ellie then. I thought about my dad. I thought about .... Lucas.

He was there, holding a baseball bat out toward me, as I let out a cry and he fell to his knees next to me.
I latched onto his hand, afraid of ever letting him go. And he didn't leave me. He wouldn't, and that's where we stayed hidden.

Sometimes I wish our kiss could have stayed hidden too.

pinch me, i'm: sorehurt
song of the moment: The Hero Dies In This One // The Ataris
05 October 2006 @ 02:41 am
Topic #145: Tell the truth about something you usually lie about.

I'm not ok.

My dad and I communicate through emails while he's away, and I always paint a pretty picture of life here in Tree Hill for him. I drone on about a good grade I got on an English essay, or about the latest album I bought at the record exchange down the street. I tell him that I'm happy and that I'm fine. The reality is that I'm not. I'm so far from ok at this point.

My best friend of ten years just broke up with me, and moved out. I love Jake, but can't give him my heart because of my feelings for Lucas. I still miss Ellie every day, and have discovered that I have even more lost family members. One of my closest friends nearly drowned and I feel helpless. I'm drowning myself. In life. And I'm not sure how much longer I can hold it all in. For a split second, every time I sit down at that keyboard, I consider telling him the truth. A thousand thoughts I want to say run through my mind.

Dear Dad,

But I never do.

Things are going great here, how are things going at work?

I never do. And I probably never will. He would come right home, and he would miss it. He loves everything about that job, and he would miss it every day. I couldn't do that to him. It would just make me feel even worse. So I don't tell him about Brooke. Or Derrick. Or Nathan or Lucas. I just tell him about the cheesy made for tv horror movie that I watched last night.

At least there's one thing I never lie about...

I miss you.
pinch me, i'm: depresseddepressed
song of the moment: Shackled // Vertical Horizon
28 September 2006 @ 04:13 am
Topic #144: Have you ever rebelled?

Yeah, I've rebelled. It got me suspended from school.

Last year someone painted the word "Dyke" across my locker. The school, and their "no tolerance" policy left it there for a week before they painted over it. I'm not a lesbian, but that's not the point. The point was this stupid guywho had nothing but an empty head and a cruel heart, decided that it would be alright to brand my locker with that label. His sister came to me later, when she realized he was the one who painted it. She was scared and told me that it didn't really matter because I wasn't a lesbian. She didn't get it either. To me, it wasn't about what some stupid high school kids were saying about me, I could care less about that. It was a statement, that labels and hate were ruling our world. To try and make her understand, I made her read the lyrics to the NOFX song, Re-gaining Unconsciousness.

First they put away the dealers, keep our kids safe and off the street. Then they put away the prostitutes, keep married men cloistered at home. Then they shooed away the bums, then they beat and bashed the queers. Turned away asylum seekers, fed us suspicions and fears. We didn’t raise our voice, we didn’t make a fuss. It’s funny there was no one left to notice when they came for us

With that in mind, I decided something needed to be done. So the next morning I showed up to school wearing a tee shirt with "Dyke" painted across it. I wanted to show everybody that it wasn't alright them to label someone like that. Of course, the faculty didn't quite grasp my vision. The principal told me I had to take the shirt of, or I would be suspended. So I took the shirt off. In the middle of the hallway. Yeah, they suspended me. But I made my point. I'm not saying I changed the viewpoint of every single kid at Tree Hill High, but if what I did resonated with even one person then it was worth it.
pinch me, i'm: accomplishedaccomplished
17 September 2006 @ 08:24 am
Topic #143: Revenge:

I don't like the concept of revenge. Yeah, alright, so someone messes with
you, screws you over, etc, I get feeling upset over that, but I've just
never been able to see how doing the same thing back to them helps the
situation at all. Brooke always liked revenge. When we were growing up, she
loved planning elaborate schemes to get back at people. I always went along
with them, because she's my best friend. Although I could never really
understand why she did it. I asked her once, and she just said, "Because
they deserve it."

I didn't say anything at the time, because I knew it wouldn't make a
difference to her what I thought, but I remember thinking, "How are you
qualified to judge what someone else does or doesn't deserve? How are any of
us?" It just seems a bit ridiculous to me.

But the topic of Brooke and revenge has me worried. I told Brooke that I
still had feelings for Lucas; and not only did she slap me and blow me off,
but I can't help but wonder if she is planning something because she thinks
I'm going to threaten her relationship with him again. But the thing is, I'm
not! I wouldn't do that to her again. How could I? Brooke has been the only
person consistently there for me my entire life. I'll just have to bury it.
Brooke may not be my best friend anymore, but I'll always be hers.
pinch me, i'm: thoughtfulthoughtful
song of the moment: Plowed // Sponge
14 February 2006 @ 05:08 pm
This journal isn't friends only...
It's people I like only.

Friends Only
pinch me, i'm: mellowmellow
song of the moment: The Mixed Tape // Jack's Mannequin